Sharing a space is hard — sharing a space with people you’re not romantically involved with is even harder. Bad roommates can turn an ideal living situation into a nightmare. Even though I’ve talked about things like finding small appliances for your first apartment, we’re about to enter a different world; a world of hurt.

Roommate Wanted.

“Hell is other people.”–French existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980).

Rent prices are skyrocketing not just in the United States but all over the world. Not only are the usual suspects of New York, San Francisco, Seattle, London, Singapore, and Sydney squeezing the Average Joe into oblivion; even relatively smaller markets like Minneapolis or Atlanta are experiencing a surge in out-of-character pricing.

While politicians across the spectrum are debating the causes and solutions to this problem, the problem itself remains a key factor in determining how and where the non-wealthy live. When high rents are being split between two, three, four, or even five people to a space, chaos in living arrangements are to be expected.

Normal routines evolve into roulette-wheels of time management: everything from shower-time, refrigerator-real-estate, furniture occupation, and sleep-schedules can be a living nightmare to keep track of. Even if your roommates are close friends, their lifestyle and behavior will permeate your life at home in every conceivable way.

Dirty dishes can turn into an active bacteria farm resembling the ones studied in microbiology-courses. Laundry hampers emerge as secondhand-stores where you end up wearing unfamiliar shirts, socks — even underwear — by mistake.

Food belonging to somebody else can be eaten without a second thought; (malicious intent may lead to a trial by housemate jury if everyone is present). Money may move faster out of your wallet to cover something that somebody else did — and because they can’t pay for it, you must foot the bill. Not all these incidents are set in stone; other roommate or house-mate situations can foster friendships or open up job opportunities. However, with the advent of compounded living arrangements brings compounded situations.

After all, not every roommate will be the gold-standard to which all other roommates will be compared. Those seeking an opportunity to save money will contend with five very specific types of roommates. And those roommates are…

…the Five Roommates You Meet in Hell.

—

The ‘Party Animal.’

The ‘Party Animal’ isn’t necessarily predictable. The ‘Party Animal’ isn’t necessarily young. The ‘Party Animal’ isn’t even limited to one residence. All the ‘Animal’s known for is getting trashed beyond reason all the time. 

Personal property is something of a theory to them; sure, the pot roast and mashed potatoes in the refrigerator may not be theirs but I mean ‘it was there, right?’ and ‘you have other food to buy groceries with, right?’ To this person, food is a free substance available for all regardless of who bought it. They’ve crashed four wedding-receptions in three months for the sole purpose of destroying the buffet table — before everybody at the reception realizes nobody knows who they are.

And if there’s no party to go to, they bring the party to them.

On a Friday night, you come home late from work and hope a quiet evening of Netflix, mindless-internet-scrolling, and sleep is on the menu. However, the ‘Animal’ has other ideas. Much to the chagrin of your other roommate — who bailed out and is currently crashing at his cousin’s place until the next morning — the ‘Animal’ decided to throw a massive party anyway. Even better is their decision to invite dozens of people you don’t know.

Some people they know from high-school while most are from the one-year-stint they did in college before they dropped out. During the massive party — which turns into a rave around 12:30 A.M. — the strangers start to ask you where the ‘Animal’ hides the hard drugs.

This being a new revelation, you follow in the footsteps of your other roommate and leave the complex entirely. Instead of going to your cousin’s house, you go to your car and fall asleep listening to NPR. It doesn’t matter, you say. I can shower in the morning anyway.

At about 2:00 A.M. the cops show up after your downstairs neighbors have had enough. ‘Lo’ and behold,’ the police do end up finding several illegal drugs the ‘Animal’ hid behind a secret cabinet and before you know it, you’re at the police-station for questions. Well it could be worse, you think as the detectives inquire about your history in the narcotics-trade. At least the ‘Animal’ and I won’t share a cell.

—

The ‘Center of the Universe.’

To the ‘Universe’, everything is a crisis. Even when it’s not. The ‘Universe’ has decided that despite making an income to where they could get their own space if they wanted to, they’ve decided to spread misery for anybody willing to listen. The smallest thing such as a missing clothing article — or a misplaced phone — causes accusations involving thievery, conspiracy, and the suspension of any fair trial.

To them, they don’t care if they are dragging everybody down; all they care about is filling as much sadness and drama in their roommates lives as possible.

You can’t make time for anyone else because you’re accused of not making time for them. This applies regardless if you’re friends or not — for the ‘Universe’ demands your commitment in all aspects of their life. This is why they guilt you into driving their dog to the groomer. You hate the dog — and it hates you — but they insist that a drive to the groomer is a bonding experience. 

When you finally give in and begin the drive, the dog throws up in your car. The ‘Universe’ never compensates you even as you remind them for months on end.

An appliance breakdown or air-conditioner-malfunction causes hysterical fits. Several unwarranted and nonsensical racial slurs make their way into an explanation for why the TV is not working. Reason has no place for the ‘Center of the Universe’ — because when you believe you’re the actual center of the universe, then reason bends to you.

The ‘Probably on a List Somewhere.’

Mr. or Ms. ‘List’ always has an activity that seems it might end up in getting somebody jailed, hurt, or killed. You’ve caught them touching your electronic devices when they think you’re not around — then they deny any wrongdoing when you call them out.

Strange, lumpy cardboard boxes with packing-peanuts are shipped to the apartment almost daily. When you ask ‘List’ what they are, they look away and say it’s for a secret project.

You shrug it off, not wanting to go down the rabbit-hole of whatever they’re attempting to do. Twenty years later, their mugshot appears on the evening news and you aren’t surprised. Sitting on a couch — older but not necessarily wiser — you realize the probable future had assembled itself decades ago.

After all, who builds Jenga-towers out of their leftover toilet-paper-rolls and tries to feed them to your cat?

People who are on a list somewhere, that’s who.

The ‘Never There But Always Here.’

The ‘Never There’ has a schedule completely opposite to yours; the times they work, eat, shower, and recreate are in another dimension that only sporadically intersects with yours. You might see them coming or going but you never get a chance to talk or discuss anything in detail. One day, you arrive home from work and find all the furniture rearranged. Even though you want to say something, you know they’re asleep right now so you wait and try to decide what to do.

You leave a text for them when they wake up.

Except they never text you back.

Then the coffee-maker’s gone. Then it’s not. Then it’s replaced by a toaster. Then the toaster’s gone. The apartment décor changes each time you come home but you can’t fix the problem without confronting them and interrupting their schedule. Depending on if they’re nice or not, this might prove easy or difficult.

Just hope your bed doesn’t magically disappear.

Or they’re sleeping on it by mistake.

The ‘Innocent Nemesis.’

At first glance the ‘Innocent Nemesis’ resembles the ‘Center of the Universe,’ the key difference being the ‘Universe’ creates drama everyone can partake in. However, the ‘Innocent Nemesis’ isn’t malevolent or believes there’s a conspiracy to prevent their quality of life from improving; the ‘Nemesis’ is somebody who can kill your living space through the death-of-a-thousand-paper-cuts. This is done by struggling on the mere concept of shared-existence.

Their late portion of rent and utilities always hurts your own bank account and standing with the landlords. However, the ‘Nemesis’ doesn’t do it out of spite or financial neglect — they simply just forgot. Just like the soda they spilled all over the carpet last Wednesday, they didn’t even think to clean it up.

Cleaning up after themselves is more foreign than learning vocabulary words in a different language.

Trash piles mount.

Dishes don’t stop at bacteria farms, they form their own Goosebumps trilogy.

Clothes are rarely washed and if they are, they end up as rugs since the ‘Nemesis’ can’t be bothered to utilize a chest-of-drawers.

Their hobbies on their days off from work include binge-watching movies and television for twelve hours a day while hiding other people’s food under their bed. If you bring a friend, parent, or a significant other over for a visit, they will act unintentionally creepy for the duration of said visit; they will offer to expound their theories on ‘why kids love the taste of Cinnamon-Toast Crunch’; as if children’s commercials were the only thing on their mind.

Even though everybody’s already tuned out after five seconds, their conspiracy-explanations includes the Assassination of John F. Kennedy, the Hindenburg, the Sistine Chapel, Stonehenge, and polar bears.

Somehow the ‘Nemesis’ manages to ruin polar bears for everyone as well.

How to Lease a Solution.

Sometimes bad roommates are unavoidable; roommates from Hell can worm their way into living-spaces whether you want them to or not. Whether out of desperation or necessity, we can’t always pull up somebody with a 4.5 rating or higher on Yelp.

Even specific, roommate-filtering services aren’t always a sure thing because they can’t account for lifestyle-personality; you won’t know what somebody is really like until you start living with them. If you talk to ten people who convince you that so-and-so is a good person but it turns out they were all blackmailed, then you’re out of luck (and possibly in the way of organized crime).

So what can we do?

I can’t pretend to have a solution about escalating rent but I can offer a solution to those who’ve leaped from the secret living-space appendix of Dante’s Inferno. It simply boils down to two major things:

1. Do a Background Check.

Regarding number one, I’m not calling for a literal background check. I’m calling for a situation where not only your lifestyle and scheduling is compatible but that a good portion of their family and friends will go to bat for them.

If you already know the person, it’ll be easier. If the prospect is a relative stranger, try and get to speak to some of their friends or family before committing to a space. What are their friends like? Are most of their family members sane? For the ones who are, what are they like? (This can be a tall-order for even the most well-to-do-families who define the word boring, so be careful with this one).

2. Trust Your Gut.

This is the most important of the three. If you are in the process of needing a group, ask yourself if a living space can hold everyone’s ego at once. Can it hold all the food, clothes, showers, and recreational activities? Does anybody have any habits considered disturbing or problematic that would disrupt living arrangements?

If these prerequisites are passed, then most cases of physical and emotional damage can be avoided. This is not to say things will be perfect but at least you can start nipping the buds.

3. Make Sure To Implement a Failsafe.

If all else fails and your roommate is deadset on making your life miserable, make sure you at least have a fallback in place. Have an agreement with a trusted friend or family member that you can crash at their place and wait out the insanity as you either wait for the lease to expire or the police report to be filed.

Also make sure you don’t give out the location of this place to any prospective roommates; if they start to ask around, you could find them waiting for you at the doorstep. In this type of situation, you’ll want them as far away as possible.

Regardless, be sure you ask the most important question of all:

If the coffee pot disappears then you’re replacing it, right?

Right?

Right?

Good.

An open-and-shut case by any other name.

—

Let’s crush our dreams together,

SC.

(A version of this story once appeared on the paywall-locked-article collection on my Medium website. I have since taken it down and edited it for the purposes of re-posting to my blog, which I think it is much better suited for).